somewhere too far on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/24102677
My name is Felicity and like many of you, i am a victim of todays expectations on civilization. I do not think i am special or interesting, in fact, the complete opposite. I made this blog because i am embarking on a journey of self discovery and this is the most effective way of documenting my prosperity. Also, if this helps anyone going through what i am currently overcoming, i only see this as a positive notion.
I do not know why i am, the way i am. All i know is that this is the outcome of what i have been through. I have spent my life analyzing it and it has only made it worse. From this moment on, I intend on focusing on today; not yesterday, nor tomorrow.
I feel on beginning this journey, it’s selfish that i speak of myself? This is one of my main issues in moving forward. I am constantly putting others ahead of myself. It may take me a little while to open up and let you know what is actually going on, but i promise progression and explanation.
I have a very normal and wonderful life. I am engaged to be married to the love of my life, i work part-time in retail and i design and make clothing in my free time. I am not as close to my family as i would like to be, but they are there. I have many friends who are everything they should be and i do not have a drug or alcohol problem.
This is probably the reason i feel so selfish, what else could i possibly ask for? I have spent a lifetime blaming and pointing fingers at the people around me for not giving me the fulfillment i desire and i’ve come this far only to realize that it is up to me.
Most of my anxiety is based on the belief that i don’t belong. This is a fear that manifest at any occasion where i have to “fit in.” This includes social events, shopping centers, being stuck in traffic and on my worst days, life in general.
Two years ago i was vanquished. I hadn’t left my home for months. I even left my job as i couldn’t possibly face the day. At the time, i remember suggesting quotes to myself like “I’m just feeling lazy,” “I just don’t feel like going today,” “I’m really tired” and before I new it, i was completely depleted by my own thoughts.
I would go to sleep wondering if i would wake up and stayed up all night at times thinking up scenarios if i didn’t. I couldn’t come to terms with how people could be happy, I actually couldn’t understand it and if i happened to see my reflection at anytime, i would completely collapse. I would wake up of a morning and wonder why i should get up or even strive for something; ANYTHING. It was a completely paralyzing feeling and its a horrible thing for anyone to go through.
All i know is, that no matter how much i explain it, you will never understand unless you’ve been there. I can’t even imagine being at that point while I’m not there at this moment. Once the fear begins, its near impossible to get rid of it, which is why it is so hard to overcome. Also, the fact that you’re own little head created these rapid, vindictive thoughts, you have the power to own and dismiss them also.
I am still on my way to overcoming this illness after 2 years of battling against it. My first step of recovery was recognizing what was happening and the second was taking action. I found it easier by telling the people closest to me what i was going through so i could accept support and advice, I found peace with god; and i forced myself into situations where i had to face the fear.
We all have our good and bad days and we all have our ways of getting through them. But why is it when we are feeling sad we listen to sad music? This is a catalyst blog where you can gain strength through insightful quotes, pictures and songs while i tell my story of getting through the darkness.